I was truely the black sheep of my family, it didn't matter how many tutors that they hired in to mold me into they ideal of what a young woman was to be, or how often I was sent to stay with my Grandmother and spinter Aunts to show what my future would be if I did not give up my dream. If my mother and father had ever admitted that it was their fault that I wanted to be more than my sisters and their simple country lives and trips to London for the "Season", I may have condsidered that my desires were out of reach and reason would have entered.
But being who I am and how I am and they being who and how they were, there was no room for aquiecance on either side. My love, my only want at the time was to be an actress. The woman on stage in the fabulous costume, she was villian and herione, mistress and wife, she could be anything that she wanted to be. Those women weren't being forced into a loveless marriage just because they were twenty, they weren't being called "spinster" or "Old Maid". They got to live their own lives while in the spotlight as well as off of it, and I envied them more than anything. My desire to act was driving me to the point of maddness, becuase in acting I was going to be free. Late one night in the spring of 1914, with only a carpetbag full of clothing and few possesions, I found myself standing outside of a theater. Three months later I was on tour with a stage production heading to America.
We landed in New York and it was overwhelming. The smells and sounds simmilar to those in London, but so much different than the ones in Bellfast. We were booked for a five month stint each week a different performance of one of Shakespear's works. I was comfortable in this small tribe of people, all of us from different backgrounds and yet we worked well together. They had taken to calling me Princess Joan, because from what they said I was "the closest thing to royalty" that they would ever know. I loved these people and they treated me in the way that my blood family had tried to, it was then that I realized that my relations were just bad actors.
The New York engagement ended and we were off to Chicago for another series of performances. It was December 31, 1914 the first time that I played Kate in Taming of the Shrew, there I stood in my heavy costume, my voice clear and strong as I gave my lines life. I was perfect and in a second, a mere momment I was shaken. My eyes had lingered too long on one person, it was such a small amount of time that I don't even believe that it could be counted but I knew that I would never forget that face.
Later that night the main cast gathered in the home of a wealthy patron, I stood there in the ballroom the crowded floor moving as if it was alive. I felt a sadness come over me, memories of a life that I ran from washed through me. Seeing an overly ornate frenchdoor, I decided that air would be the cure for my homesickness. The cold wind cooled my skin and my nerves and as I walked to the balcony even though the noise of the celebration was still filling my ears it was secondary to the feeling of clam that was replacing anxiety.
For the first time I was seeing Chicago above the trash on the streets and the people pretending to be more than what they were. I saw the street lights glittering like stars mirroring the ones above giving me a feeling of floating. My head falling back I took one last deep breath, then turned to go back into the party.
From the darkness in a corner of the terrace a voice said "The playbill says that your name in Joan Nevin, is that true?"
Squareing my shoulders I stared at the shadowy figure "Why would I lie?"
"People lie for many reasons, especially actresses. Usually to hide their past. So 'Joan' are you 'Joan'?"
I debatted on my answer for a moment then chose to tell the truth. "No, Joan is not my name, but it is the english version."
"And what of 'Nevin'?"
"No, that is not my name either."
The man stepped out of the dark and my breath stopped, my heart was beating so fast that I was sure that he could see it. It was the man from the audience, the only face that I had ever looked at from the stage, the only face that ever made me almost stumble. "So, who are you, really?"
"Why should you know my secret? It's really of no concern or consequence to you. I'm sure that you have been able to learn the hidden pasts of many women, but for you to believe that I am of such weak character and trusting nature is really quite foolish of you sir."
He was standing so close to me now, that I could feel his breath on my face and see how his blue eyes flared with being defied. I glared back at him focusing on keeping myself still. "You are rare, do you know that? I was only asking because I would like to know more about you and I was running into walls asking your friends inside." His face softened "Who are you 'Joan'? You're more than you seem, aren't you?"
I had waited so long for someone to see me, not what they wanted me to be, but in that instant I knew that this man did truely see me. "I'm Siobhan Black and that sir is all that you are going to get out of me" I said as I stepped around him and walked back into the party with a very triumphant grin on my lips.
As I opened the delicate door I heard him whisper "Nice to meet you Siobhan, I'm Julianus and you're going to be very happy."
